Organize Now: Week 1: Organize Your Mind & Life Vision

In the first chapter of this new book that I got, Organize Now by Jennifer Ford Berry, it states that you need to start your organization from the inside. It then asks a series of questions. Since it is difficult for me to be held accountable for things, I figured I would start a blog that would answer the questions so that I would hold myself more accountable. Thus it begins.

Why do you want to get organized?

I want to get organized so that I will feel less chaotic in my life.

What does an organized life look like to you?

I see myself finding everything I need without having to tear my house apart. I see that I don't rebuy things because I forgot I had them. I see simplicity and warmth instead of clutter.

What is your vision for your life?

I picture having enough room to accomplish the things that I dream of, like baking and eating dinner as a family instead of in front of the television. I picture people walking in and feeling welcomed instead of overwhelmed. I picture being a gracious and exquisite hostess.

This week's goals:

Write out your vision of your life. Answer these questions to find inspiration. If you could do anything...

*Where would you live? I would live near the woods, but still in town. I would live close to my children's schools and my work. I would live in a community that was quirky, with many different types of people living in it.

*How would you earn an income? I would own a nonprofit bakery that was geared towards helping the homeless and less fortunate come in, sit, and have a pastry. I would help fund it by writing the books that I have floating around in my head.

*What would your days look like? I would wake up at 5am and go to the gym for one hour. Then, I would sit in my zen garden and chant Amitabha for an hour. At 7, I would get my kids ready for school and walk them there before heading to the bakery. I would work making cupcakes and pies for my customers and sit to talk with everyone and hear their stories. Then, I would go home, pick up my kids, and we would sit outside and play for an hour before going in to do homework and make dinner. We would sit and eat a healthy meal as a family and then have a treat that I created for dessert. We would give the kids their baths and maybe watch a tv show with them while drying their hair and putting on pajamas. Then, we would brush their teeth and put them to bed with a story, and also the Amitabha chant. After the kids were in bed, Aaron and I would watch a movie together while I worked on my writing and then I would chant before going to bed.

*What would you do for fun? Every week, we would have a get together at the bakery for our friends to stop by and visit. We would also go to the movies once a month with the kids and out for ice cream or a treat. We would make our backyard a wonderland with all sorts of outdoor things to do.

*What would you do more of? I would relax more. I would sit outside and play more. I would laugh more. I would have more visitors over on a regular basis.

*What would you do less of? I would watch less tv and play on the computer less. I would also sleep less (because right now, I'm sleeping about 10-12 hours a day).

Think about what you want to accomplish in the next 56 weeks.

*When you look back on this time in your life, what will you remember? I will remember being tired all of the time. I will remember my guilt. I will remember diagnosing my illness. I will hopefully remember the little things my son and daughter do.

*What will you be proud of? I will be proud that I started this project. I will be proud that I devoted myself to Buddhism and Amitabha.

Get a minimum of 7 hours of sleep per night.

I definitely do this one already. My goal should be more, "Try to limit yourself to 8 hours of sleep per day."

Start your day by jotting down a short To Do list of everything you want or need to do that day.

I used to do this every day but I stopped with the excuse that I needed to get organized first and get my stuff together BEFORE doing the list, when really, I just need to make the list and stick with it until it's done.

Start a journal.

I intend to use this blog as a journal to jot down my feelings. I don't know if I will remember to do it, but hopefully I will when I get into the office.

Limit the amount of television you watch, especially programs with negative images and messages.

This one will be hard to do because I enjoy things with a little drama. I know that I will be able to limit it though, because I do have times when I lose interest in something that I've been really into for weeks. One day, I just won't have the desire to watch it and won't do so for a few weeks.

Schedule a two-minute break two to three times to spend time alone and just be.

This one should be easy in the aspect that I really want to do it. I will just now have to set alarms to go off so that I can not let the day pass by without doing it.

Practice meditating.

This is so helpful to me because I am now becoming Buddhist and want to practice the Amitabha meditations.

Schedule times to exercise. Go to the gym, take a bike ride, walk the dog, hike in the woods, run around the yard with the kids.

I really need to focus on this. I'm hoping that I can start getting up early enough to go to the gym. I also want to start walking my dogs to get exercise. And of course I want to get outdoors with my kids.

Schedule more "me time." Turn all the phones off and plan something you love to do just for you.

I really want to start reading the dozens of books that I have bought that I have been unable to read thus far because of my busy schedule. Even 30 minutes to an hour a day would be wonderful.

Eliminate energy drainers in your life: clutter, unhealthy relationships, unfinished projects, items on your to do list that don't need to be done until other tasks are complete.

I especially need to do these things. I have started working the clutter out of my rooms. I need to work on saying no to relationships that I know drain me and make me feel guilty. I have decided to just delete numbers and friends from social sites, and stop putting myself in situations where arguments are inevitable. I need to focus on the projects that I truly want to finish and not buy any more objects until the projects are done. My to do list always needs to be streamlined.

Take control of your time. Set goals and then break them into achievable daily to do's. When goals are clear, you can control your time and make space for priorities.

I am going to start setting alarms on my phone so that I will not let time pass me by and start limiting the things that I do that are not productive.

Simplify your life and your thinking by cutting back on the amount of negative information and images you let penetrate your mind. Eliminate pessimistic news, advertising, newspapers, depressing books, and violent movies.

I somewhat disagree with this tip. Pessimistic news, although sad, is something that you need to objectify yourself to. It's necessary to know what's going on in the world. I also enjoy depressing books and violent movies, because they make me realize my life is better instead of focusing on more negativity.

When an intimate moment presents itself, grab it!

I need to stop trying to wait for Aaron to initiate affection and try to do things myself.

Check in with yourself before making decisions. Take a deep breath, relax, and listen to your inner voice. Then, make the decision best for you. Don't feel pressure to please other people.

This is very important for me. This step is essential to my happiness. I know when things are wrong for me, and rarely do they end up as happy endings when I go against what my inner voice says. This is an excellent tip that I need to follow.

Pay attention to your dreams. Sometimes our dreams provide us with helpful subconscious insight.

Yes, sometimes. Other times, I listen to them and they lead me to a negative relationship that I then have trouble getting out of. So I need to be selective and listen to that inner voice.

Stay Organized:

Once a month:

*Schedule a day just for you. Do something that makes you happy.

Two words: flea market.

*Spend a few minutes writing in your journal.

Or blogging. :)

Every 3-6 months:

*Spend an hour or two alone to take stock of your emotional state.

I will start by doing that now and answering the questions about my current state. No time like the present:

How do you feel most of the time?

I am usually pretty sad and overwhelmed.

How are your relationships?

With Aaron-a little strained. I'm trying to work things out and I know that I want to be with him forever, but I have to change some things about myself, which is stressful.

With my mom-Pretty good. She doesn't really know anything about me right now.

With my sister-same as my mom really. She doesn't know much about the person I am now.

With my stepdad-good. I don't keep promises like I should.

With my kids-good, but I need to treat them better and make them my number 1 priority (and show that).

With my friends-strained. Everyone lives in such a different world from me, and it's my fault for expecting them to come to mine.

If you're unhappy, honestly evaluate why, then have the courage to change the situation.

I honestly am unhappy due to my illness. It all stems from there. I'm tired all of the time. So lethargic that my body feels like bags of sand tied together. I don't feel human and it upsets me that people don't seem to understand that I have no control of my lethargy. So I think that once I get that handled, everything else will fall into place.

Once a year:

On your birthday, make an effort to reflect on the past year. What did you learn? How have you changed? What do you want to accomplish in the year to come? After you've reflected, honor this day you were born.

Oh Baby, You Know I Hate To Sleep Alone

There is a conspiracy transpiring against me. It is a well known fact to those around me that I do not like to be alone. This was much more so the case before I had children; now I generally enjoy a quiet moment to myself. However, I still hate to sleep alone at night. I don't know what it is, but if I am in that bed at night by myself, I find it very difficult to fall asleep. Aaron and I can barely get a sentence out during the evening with the kids running around and interrupting constantly. Then, when they are put to bed, Aaron gets on World of Warcraft and I can't seem to really keep his attention. It is only in the bed, with the lights dim or off that we are able to hold a conversation. We giggle about the day, talk in funny voices, and name off what our names would be if we were one of the seven dwarfs. When I'm alone, I am drowned by the darkness and silence. I know that I grow weary and feel drowsy before most people, which is why sometimes I take my medication a little later to help me stay up a little later. This also proves to be a problem because low and behold, when I do, Aaron is passed out by 11 o'clock and I'm left to stay up until 2 or later by myself. It has happened so many times that I don't even try it anymore.

Last night was irritating to say the least. Aaron went to class both last night and Monday night. That means he doesn't get home until after 9 o'clock. I am especially tired because I've been wrangling two kids by myself all evening and I half expect him to also be tired after sitting in a classroom for a few hours. But nope. At 11, I turn to Aaron after finishing another episode of Desperate Housewives on Netflix (he secretly loves it) and tell him that I'm ready for bed. I ask if he's coming with me and he states a plain "no" without taking his eyes from his computer. "Why not?" I moan like a little girl with a pouty lip. "I'm not tired." He still does not avert his eyes and I start to dislike the obsessive compulsive way that he jutts out his chin and twists the hair of his beard while he's occupied with something. I do not say another word, but instead get up, tidy the living room, which at the moment is the only actual clean and organized room of the house, because of me, and then pile dishes in the sink and start to walk down the hall, muttering "Good night" under my breath. It is very obvious that I do not like the answer he has given me, and I want him to come tuck me in like he does every other night, but he is too occupied to even do that. I hear the old chair he loves squeak and groan as he gets up and heads down the hallway, anticipating the door opening. But instead, I hear the door of the bathroom close and I become more irritated.

I know that Aaron doesn't like Jude sleeping in the bed with us, so I create a plan to snag Jude out of his bed and allow him to fall asleep next to me, just so that when Aaron finally decides to claim his side of the bed, he will see Jude and me cuddling. If he says anything about it, I will smoothly retort that if he had been in the bed to tuck me in, it wouldn't have happened.

I sneak into the kids' room and the light from my bedroom shines directly on Tahiri's toddler bed, which is empty. I glance over to the corner where Jude's bed is and let my eyes adjust to the darkness, I saw Jude, laying on his back with Tahiri laying halfway on him, her leg slung over his stomach. I tapped on Jude's shoulder and tried to wake him to see if he wanted to get out from under his sister, but he didn't budge. They both looked so peaceful and serene, which made me stop and realize what I was doing. I was being vindictive just for the "winning" aspect of it. In that moment, I stood and stared down at my children, looking angelic when they usually look downright mischievous. The most affection I usually see is the occasional hug when they bump into each other in the hallway, but then I thought to myself that one of the first thing Tahiri says when walking in the room is "Where's Jude?" and it's "Where's Tahiri" for Jude.

I tucked myself in last night, thinking of how great I truly have it. I have a wonderful man who is sometimes too busy to notice me, but is willing to get up to make me strawberry almond milk and grab my peanuts from the kitchen, along with a bowl for the shells. He makes me laugh with his impressions and dirty talk, and he comforts me when I feel fat, and like a failure. My kids are two beautiful, intelligent, curious little people that dish out high fives and kisses on a regular basis, and bring home smiles and crafts they have constructed. They run toward me screaming "Mama" when they see me and who could ask for anything better? I know sometimes I'm needy and want extra attention, and sometimes it takes the perfect picture of my wild children cuddling to make me realize how good I have it.

Fuzzy Boots

The first time my daughter Tahiri saw these boots, she was terrified. Her father and I were not there to witness it but her Grammy testified to the fear. Aaron reassured his mother that he could get Tahiri to wear the boots. About a week later, after getting her dressed one morning, I tried to put the boots on her. She usually loves shoes, and "socks (pronounced sox)" and "shooz" were two of her first words, but this particular morning, she kicked and screamed when she saw me coming with them. She fought me while I put them on her and then collapsed on the bedroom floor and cried, face down in the carpet. Aaron and I ignored her and went about our morning ritual, and sure enough, about 2 minutes later when I went in to ask if she wanted breakfast, she stood up and ran for the kitchen, singing out "nommie noms." Since then, if we let her pick out her own shoes, she will always select this awesome pair of fuzzy boots. Who knows why she was so scared of them at first, but now I know that ignoring her and letting her throw her little tantrum is the right thing to do when these things occur.

Snow Day: A Recap of a Week

It is hard to believe that the first week of the year is already over. I have an immense feeling that this year will go just as fast as the last one did. I have pulled over 50 hours of work in this week, and I feel that I am still very far behind. I decided last night after getting irritated with Aaron that I would work today as well, and set up a tentative schedule of 10 t0 6. I am happy that I let that idea go, however, because at this moment, I am drinking hot cocoa by the window while I watch snow continue to fall, as it has for the past few hours. I definitely would not have wanted to drive back home in a few inches of snow, especially not with the drivers that we have in this state (unfortunately myself included.)

As I said in a previous post, I have decided to start this year off a little differently. My writing skills need brushing up, my stress needs reevaluating, and my goals need a bit of thought. While I work on these things, I am accompanied by my new desk calendar of the 1,000 places to see before you die. Each day, I get a little closer to enlightenment and contentment.

Check out my other blog: Wishing I Was Somewhere Else

The New Year

"I suppose dying's as good an excuse as any to start living."

I am obsessed with a tv character. Very, very obsessed. Charlotte "Chuck" Charles from Pushing Daisies is my new idol, so to speak. I really want to become more of a compassionate and less lazy person. I don't think that it will happen overnight, but I am willing to try. I would love to learn how to raise bees, learn numerous languages, and help the poor. I think this will be a very productive new year.

After a day of napping and a long bubble bath with a good book, I'm unable to find the right words to convey how I feel at this point in time, but I plan to write every day, and do others things daily as well, such as exercise and trying to make myself look more approachable and pretty on a regular basis. It is going to take a lot of attention and discipline, but I'm hoping that I can make it through to make this year one of the best of my life.

Speak, No Feeling, No I Don't Believe You

I have been avoiding the blog pull. I think of such great things to write in my head and when I finally get to the computer, I am apathetic and tired. Above all, my head hurts all of the time. For some reason, my Lyrica has not had the same utter euphoric feeling that it did when I first started it. Upon restarting it after 2 months without it, I thought that I would be back on that same cloud, feeling thoughtful and expressive and wanting to get all of my thoughts out of my head and onto the interwebz.

I don't really know how it works, but for me, I had an epiphany one day while watching A Mighty Heart. I don't need to slide around religion the way that I have. I have never felt that I was truly a part of anything, but I took little bits and pieces from this and that and made it my own. That did not make me feel any more involved. Instead, I felt like more of an outcast than ever. So I decided that I would do my absolute best to devote myself to Buddhism, which is the philosophy of life that I most closely try to follow. I have been interested in Buddhism for many, many years, and always treat others the way that I would want to be treated. I don't try to be a bad person, and I love my enemies as if they were my friends. I do not hold grudges or bad feelings. I see the world as parts of a whole being. We are all humans and therefor should not be against each other. I was reading, and a particular part took my attention to a whole new level. His Holiness the Dalai Lama stated (and I'm paraphrasing) that we are all striving for the same goal, enlightenment, no matter what religion or ethnicity we are, we all want to reach nirvana. We are all in this together, whether you like it or not. I tend to like it. I say that I'm not altruistic because I get pleasure out of doing good things for others. I remember a great debate in one of my anthropology classes about altruism and that I agreed that it does not exist. However, it was brought to my attention in one of my books that I was actually practicing Mahayana Buddhism already. Altruism in Buddhism means that you don't just want to reach your enlightenment, you want others to reach it as well. You want everyone to see it, to show anyone, and although you may live in suffering instead of in Nirvana, you get great joy out of seeing others successfully becoming happy, and realizing that they didn't know themselves at all.

"There is a story about four enlightened ones; who are traveling a vast desert, that is existence. As the story goes, there is a wall surrounding the goal; often portrayed as a lush garden. The first of the enlightened ones climbs over the wall never to return from Nirvana. The second, climbs over and never returns. The third also climbs over never to return. The fourth up on the top of the wall, looks to Nirvana and then returns their gaze to the world of suffering. The fourth enlightened one chooses climb down back into existence in order to search the desert, ushering those who aproach to the entrance and within. The fourth promises that Nirvana is within everyones reach. The fourth enlightened one promises to wait on the edge of Nirvana until all of existence is enlightened and free from the suffering(dukkha) of life." Truth

I am that suffering pebble that is just enough to cause a landfall. Not having a purpose drove me crazy. I know that I must stop doing what I've been doing. I realize that I've been wasting time. I've been focusing on the past, and the future, and I've been missing out on the now, thriving on chaos and drama, and possessions. Strip it all away, and all I have left is me, and to be honest, picturing staring at myself, naked, vulnerable, with no possessions or others to protect me is terrifying. Why am I so scared of myself and who I am? Why do I stress over things that do not matter. Why do I lose precious time with my kids while sitting and watching tv? I want to be a better person. I've always strived to be a better person, that is all I've ever wanted. Now I have a way to. I don't know how others just up and decide that they are going to be Buddhist, but this is my story. I want to have that word wrapping around me as protection. I don't want to stutter when people ask me what faith I am. I have faith, and no longer have to be envious of those that hold their religion close to their heart. I don't say that Buddhism is a religion actually, but a way of life, a philosophy and an ultimate goal to not only help myself, but to do my best to rid my life of things that cause stress and possess those things that give me strength. I will help others if they want it. I will not be ashamed to say what I am and defend why I am. I'm on my way to enlightenment.

The Beekeeper (Start Your Own Revolution)

Words of wisdom have never made so much sense:

Roses and Thorns
"When you speak of roses and thorns, the paradox within one beautiful flower, the marriage of the male and female, the crown of thorns, with Jesus and Mary Magdalene being known as the rose, I thought that all of us at some time in our lives experience a sacred marriage of sorts and I truly wanted there to be in the garden a place for union. In all of us, there is a love. In all of us, there is another piece, a mirror piece. Yes, of course, within. You have to find your own twin flame within your being, but there is someone, and sometimes it is more than one person, that you go into sacred marriage with. And I explore it in different songs on this record, especially Marys of the Sea, which is about her journey out of Jerusalem, and fleeing and when she gets to the south of France, she takes on a ministry herself. The gospel of Mary Magdalene was something that I had heard about but hadn't read until I was much older. My mother, a minister's wife, read it for the first time very, very recently, and she looked up with tears streaming down her face, and she took my hands in hers, and her name is Mary, and she said, "Darling, why oh why has this been kept from me my whole life? I am not someone who isn't exposed to literature, particularly Christian literature," My mother was a literature major. And she said, "Yet this is something that has not been available." And I said, "Well, I think that is the key question. Why 2000 years later would the gospel of Mary Magdalene be hidden from the masses?" Now to me, that is the greatest story NEVER told. And I explore this greatest story never told in Marys of the Sea.

Herbs and Elixirs
Elixirs and herbs is a place that the passion that this woman has for her beliefs, for the man that she loves, for the direction that humanity is going, is very much where she's exploring. And allowing herself to not only heal what are wounds, but to allow her wounds to express themselves. And this doesn't always have to be a place of victimization, this sometimes is a place to be able to confront something is out of balance, and it's an ancient practice that the bee shaman have been working with for thousands of years. They work with a tradition that forces you to look at those places that may need to be stung. And there is a song on this record in the Herbs and Elixirs garden called Sweet the Sting and in order for you or I to gain the sweetness, wisdom does not come without the sting.
If we can all begin looking more at our lives like a garden, and within a garden it has different shapes, I mean, yours may not be based on a hexagram concept. The beekeeper is however, mainly because the cells of the hives itself are based on the principle of the hexagram. From my wisdom, and my sort of tree of knowledge to expand, I chose to follow my heart, so I followed my husband down to Cornwall, welly boots and all. This would not have been my first choice. I enjoyed living in cities, but now, over the last few years there's a different rhythm here, and the weather is very much a character in this theater piece of my life. It is a huge part, and the power of it, when the gails blow in off the Cornish coast. There's a song, Jamaica Inn, that I wrote as I didn't get trapped but I was just driving down on a beautiful, quote unquote beautiful, you know it was raining, it's England. And, all of a sudden, the gails started to come in and my mind started to wander and I pulled over on a cliff, and I started to think about this story I had been told by some of the locals. where the wreckers would come in when a ship would run aground and take everything. And I started to think about this story that was taking over my car. In that moment, Jamaica Inn walked in to my Saab, and she said, "You might not like my story, because I'm not going to tell you how it ends yet, and you need to travel it with me. And we're going to have to explore your deepest fears." And I think my deepest fears come down to betrayal in love, friendship. It's not death, that's not my greatest fear. Tragic, if it's untimely, but it's going to happen to all of us. What always stops me is betrayal, and if I betray someone, that scares me too.

The Desert Garden
The desert garden is very much about the crossroads. It's a place where you must make choices, grave choices. This is where our garden of Sinsuality differs from the garden of Eden because in a place where the creator is the feminine scribe telling the story, the bart, in our book of Genesis, in our beginning, we as women were encouraged to eat from the Tree of Knowledge, because that's how we could help our pride or tribe. And if we don't, then we will be subservient, and unequal to the male and therefor cannot help him, and cannot serve the pride. As a songwriter, and someone who chronicles time, I have to feel the pulse of what is current. I was able to include General Joy on the record because I wrote it in July 2004 and recorded it and it was relevant then and it's relevant again now. We are still at war as of this taping, and General Joy is very much a current figure, or not because there are not a lot of Generals that we would call General Joy and that's the point. General Joy has lost his boys and they've been left behind. He needs a soldier girl now that liberty has been gagged.

The Greenhouse
Parasol is a song about deep betrayal, and how this woman survives this experience without becoming victimized in the end by being able to transform herself. And as the song says, "If I'm a seated woman with a parasol, I'll be the only one." There will always be someone who feels trapped in a situation like the seated woman with a parasol. There is a song called The Power of Orange Knickers that really kind of explores the idea of the word "terrorist," so I put on a pair of orange knickers one morning and I decided that if I'm going to stalk the idea of a terrorist, without having a picture of what one was, then I'm going to need my orange knickers. And as I started to walk over to the piano, I started to think about words that rhymed with terrorist, and this song kept drawing me in and drawing me in, deeper and deeper and deeper, and it said, "Yes, it's easy to see the enemy if it's in another country, it's easy to see the enemy in another culture. Find the enemy in your own culture, then find the enemy in your own being." And she's there. We all have this part of ourselves that will choose to obliterate an idea instead of negotiate with it, because it takes great skill to negotiate with ideas. It doesn't take a lot of skills to obliterate, unfortunately...and I began to understand how the opposites, if they don't have an understanding and a respect for one another, and hold it into balance, then the whole thing begins to bring chaos.
My mom was very ill this year. I was having to realize that I was not willing to let her go at this time. So what do you do? Well then you go to the beekeeper, don't you? So, in the song, The Beekeeper, I travel to find the master beekeeper, who is really sort of the master shaman keeping everything together within the gardens, making sure everything is pollinated, making sure there is life, making sure that when and if there's disease, that that is extricated from the garden. It wasn't guaranteed that my mother would survive. But the master beekeeper explained that "Of course she will wake. Don't you believe in infinity? Don't you believe in the shape of infinity? That's the bee's dance. That's what the worker bees do; that is their dance. Don't you believe in the mystery of the Magdalene? Don't you believe in this lineage of Damider, the endless of cycles of mother and daughter? Because wherever she awakes, she is still your mother, even if it's not on this plane, she will always be your mother."

The Orchard
Mother Revolution is core because the album centers very much around this idea that in order for there to be a continuance of life for the next generation and the next generation, and the next generation, the songs begin to speak about if the masses didn't chose to listen to the needs to the next generation, then the mothers would need to make a choice, which was were the mothers okay sending their sons off to a war that they may not believe in. And I began to understand an internal revolution that is more powerful than thousands of soldiers, that there is an artillery of the soul, and a resolve that I have seen in a concerned mother. The masters have spoken about the complexity of the hives that love living in the orchards. I was drawn to it mainly because of the vine and the fruit and the transformation of life. Becoming a mother has brought me my greatest teacher. She is four, and we're in communication, we're in harmony, we're in a balance of mother and daughter, not me as the authority or her as the precocious child that's totally in control, which is true sometimes. But when we're in balance, we're sharing this dance, this sonic dance, that the songs have been trying to show me since I was little, but she, through her love of music is beginning to show me. And that lives in the orchard along with the Tree of Knowledge. Ribbons Undone is a song that really I guess explains a mother's love, and a father's love, for their daughter. They see their little girl running in the fields with their ribbons flying, as they're little flashes of lightening that go by, especially in the back field here, and you can run and run and run and run, and catch butterflies, thinking that you can fly like one. And I was watching Tash run and I started to remember something my mother said to me. She told me years ago, we would look in a mirror, and she said, "This woman that I see, that you see, this old, wrinkled woman, is a stranger to me." I said, "You're the most beautiful woman I know." And she said, "That's...don't get distracted by what I'm telling you." She said, "That is a stranger to me. Inside, I'm running. Inside, my legs can carry me. I don't have a heart condition. I'm not someone who is in a wheelchair. I am someone who catches the butterflies in my mind's eye." And when I watched my daughter running, I saw my mother and I began to understand that this case is a distraction sometimes, and it tricks us because it can start making us believe that we are old of spirit, not just that the violin case is beat up, but you can begin to believe that the violin has no music to play anymore. And that is where you have to go to the Tree of Knowledge and I tasted my mother's wisdom looking into that mirror. And I see her running now, and my mother will always be running, next to Tash, together, hand in hand, and Ribbons Undone is something that I hope one day to see myself running alongside them.

The Rock Garden
I don't necessarily see it as barren, the rock garden, and I think the songs take us into a place that I certainly didn't expect. There are little surprises that I find all the time. There's a song called Witness, the gospel choir is on that. We go back to the gnostic gospels and the techs talking about being a witness, and did you witness Christ's teaching. I started thinking about judge and jury and I started to think about crimes against humanity, against each other, stripping it away to a very personal place of crime. And the gospel choir becomes very much the jury. Do you ever start screaming in the car, having an argument, reliving an argument, "Why didn't I say that? Why is he so stupid? Why can't he understand?" And you go, "What is it gonna take? What language is it going to take for us to communicate on this issue?" So I decided what is the language that this guy understands? So I decided to become a car, one with a stick, that he can put his hands on, and maneuver, and he can polish my rims. And he can step inside me, and feel himself become manly, and have a conversation with his car. Then I decided that I could also become a guitar, and he could pick me up and play me, and I could listen to what he was trying to say, and if I could just change my shape, we could maybe get through this because it was never was the cars and guitars that came between us."

--Tori Amos


Start your own garden. Find joy in your life and make up your own mind. Find what makes you happy, find what makes you sad, because it is all what makes you. Realize what parts of your life occupy which garden, and watch it grow, expand, multiply, die off, and start its own revolution.