Speak, No Feeling, No I Don't Believe You

I have been avoiding the blog pull. I think of such great things to write in my head and when I finally get to the computer, I am apathetic and tired. Above all, my head hurts all of the time. For some reason, my Lyrica has not had the same utter euphoric feeling that it did when I first started it. Upon restarting it after 2 months without it, I thought that I would be back on that same cloud, feeling thoughtful and expressive and wanting to get all of my thoughts out of my head and onto the interwebz.

I don't really know how it works, but for me, I had an epiphany one day while watching A Mighty Heart. I don't need to slide around religion the way that I have. I have never felt that I was truly a part of anything, but I took little bits and pieces from this and that and made it my own. That did not make me feel any more involved. Instead, I felt like more of an outcast than ever. So I decided that I would do my absolute best to devote myself to Buddhism, which is the philosophy of life that I most closely try to follow. I have been interested in Buddhism for many, many years, and always treat others the way that I would want to be treated. I don't try to be a bad person, and I love my enemies as if they were my friends. I do not hold grudges or bad feelings. I see the world as parts of a whole being. We are all humans and therefor should not be against each other. I was reading, and a particular part took my attention to a whole new level. His Holiness the Dalai Lama stated (and I'm paraphrasing) that we are all striving for the same goal, enlightenment, no matter what religion or ethnicity we are, we all want to reach nirvana. We are all in this together, whether you like it or not. I tend to like it. I say that I'm not altruistic because I get pleasure out of doing good things for others. I remember a great debate in one of my anthropology classes about altruism and that I agreed that it does not exist. However, it was brought to my attention in one of my books that I was actually practicing Mahayana Buddhism already. Altruism in Buddhism means that you don't just want to reach your enlightenment, you want others to reach it as well. You want everyone to see it, to show anyone, and although you may live in suffering instead of in Nirvana, you get great joy out of seeing others successfully becoming happy, and realizing that they didn't know themselves at all.

"There is a story about four enlightened ones; who are traveling a vast desert, that is existence. As the story goes, there is a wall surrounding the goal; often portrayed as a lush garden. The first of the enlightened ones climbs over the wall never to return from Nirvana. The second, climbs over and never returns. The third also climbs over never to return. The fourth up on the top of the wall, looks to Nirvana and then returns their gaze to the world of suffering. The fourth enlightened one chooses climb down back into existence in order to search the desert, ushering those who aproach to the entrance and within. The fourth promises that Nirvana is within everyones reach. The fourth enlightened one promises to wait on the edge of Nirvana until all of existence is enlightened and free from the suffering(dukkha) of life." Truth

I am that suffering pebble that is just enough to cause a landfall. Not having a purpose drove me crazy. I know that I must stop doing what I've been doing. I realize that I've been wasting time. I've been focusing on the past, and the future, and I've been missing out on the now, thriving on chaos and drama, and possessions. Strip it all away, and all I have left is me, and to be honest, picturing staring at myself, naked, vulnerable, with no possessions or others to protect me is terrifying. Why am I so scared of myself and who I am? Why do I stress over things that do not matter. Why do I lose precious time with my kids while sitting and watching tv? I want to be a better person. I've always strived to be a better person, that is all I've ever wanted. Now I have a way to. I don't know how others just up and decide that they are going to be Buddhist, but this is my story. I want to have that word wrapping around me as protection. I don't want to stutter when people ask me what faith I am. I have faith, and no longer have to be envious of those that hold their religion close to their heart. I don't say that Buddhism is a religion actually, but a way of life, a philosophy and an ultimate goal to not only help myself, but to do my best to rid my life of things that cause stress and possess those things that give me strength. I will help others if they want it. I will not be ashamed to say what I am and defend why I am. I'm on my way to enlightenment.