Seven Days

...and I'm gone. I run away. I don't write letters, I'm here to stay. (Karaocake)

I did something drastic this past week. I had been reconnecting with an old friend, simply enough. Were there still feelings there? Maybe. But I didn't act on any of that. I tried to love him as a person, a deeply flawed person, but I could tell that his intentions were not that of a pure man. And it was difficult letting him go. I think that's what made it wonderful. I knew that I didn't want anything to come between Aaron and me. I didn't want him to ever not be able to trust me when my past comes to haunt me. I had to decide this for myself, so I kept it secret. I didn't mention it, a form of lying, I know. But doing this allowed me to know for myself and it was my choice. I decided that I didn't want anything to do with him. And of course it was difficult because I'm not perfect and my past is full of riddles and loose ends. But this one has been tied...or severed. I wish him the absolute best, and I hope that he finds his path to enlightenment. Maybe one day, in another life, our paths will cross again. But for now, it's my time and I hold the cards. I decide that it's enough for this lifetime. No ill feelings, no emptiness. I feel fulfilled in my decision, and am reminded of it everytime Aaron sneaks me a smile or brushes past me. The chills through my body let me know that I made the right decision. And I couldn't be happier.

12 Weeks to A Happier Family: Week 2

Fitness Goal:

Commit to 5 minutes of physical activity each day.

Nutrition Goal:

Pick one meal of the day to make more nutritious.

Health Goal:

Learn everyone's BMI.

Happiness Goal:

Set a strict bedtime--For you and the kids.

Broken Down:

Fitness Goal-

1) Play Hard, Play Safe

2) What to do when you're too tired to work out: baby bridge, bicycle crunch, mountain climber, upper body dip.

Nutrition Goal-

1) Try to make breakfast every day.

2) Spice up lunch.

3) Get together and make a healthy, balanced dinner.

Health Goal-

Tahiri's BMI is 13.1, underweight for a child her age

Jude's BMI is 14.7, almost underweight for a child his age

Tyshani's BMI is 38.97, morbidly obese (need to work on that)

Aaron's BMI was not taken.

Happiness Goal-

Setting a Bedtime, for everyone.

1) Watch food and drink consumption

2) Avoid stimulating activities after dinner

3) Give advanced notice

4) No television time before bed

5) Establish a night time routine

*Set a specific time and stick to it.

*Give a warning to wind down.

*Offer a snack that is low in sugar and high in protein

*Brush teeth

*Give a warm bath

*Read a story

*Play soft music while you read

*Give the child a snuggle toy

*Keep last goodnights brief

Give Jude a ticket system to get out of bed once after being laid down.

Week 2: Organize Your Priorities

Does it ever feel like you spend all your hours and days doing but not living?

Yes, it absolutely feels like a huge cycle that is so difficult to get out of.

What are your top ten priorities? (Not in any particular order)

1) My children's health and view of the world

2) My relationship with Aaron

3) Buddhism

4) Eating healthy

5) Exercising

6) Finishing my work while at work

7) Saving money

8) Crafting

9) Reading

10) Establishing lasting friendships

Are you living these priorities each day or even every week?

I would have to say no. I don't take enough time to devote to all of these things.

This week's goals:

To help you realize what your priorities are ask yourself questions such as:

What do you value most?

Getting into better health and establishing lasting friendships.

What things are most important to me:

good health, strong relationship with Aaron, communication with children, peace of mind, good friends, spiritual fulfillment, travel, education, a clean house

Why am I here?

I believe that I am here to make other's lives as fulfilled as possible.

Where am I going?

I'm going to explore the world.

What is my purpose?

I am going to help others and live a full life of enlightenment.

Compare a list of all the activities that you participate in with your top ten priorities.

I wake up late, scurry the kids to school, rush to work, play on the computer, email, help others, try to get my desk organized, put off phone calls, leave work, pick up kids, take them to park if weather permits, go home and cook dinner, read to the kids before bed, clean the house, watch tv, take a bath, go to bed. They are pretty different....

Decide on activities that can be eliminated to make time for your top ten. Focus on cutting out activities that take your time but don't bring you joy.

Instead of waking up late, I could wake up early and get the kids up early to eat a good breakfast (kid's health). Watching tv is usually mine and Aaron's time to cuddle and enjoy each other. When the kids go to bed, instead of watching tv right away, I can go across the street and chant and meditate with the neighbors. During my work day, instead of playing on the computer, I could focus on getting bits of exercise in. Also instead of playing, I could work harder on finishing my work. Instead of frivolous shopping on the internet or at stores, I could save up all that money. I need to start keeping an expense record so I will see just how much I'm spending on things. While I watch tv, I could get my crafts out, and weekends could be for crafting. Every night, I could set aside 30 minutes, even if it's while I take a bath, to read. Every week, I need to schedule a playdate with a friend or two to establish the bond of my relationships.

Tips:

Read your top ten list on a regular basis. (Print it out and post it on the wall by the computer monitor.)

Minimize energy spent with negative people. (Stay in my office at work and don't gossip; don't try to contact those who will drain my energy, no matter how alluring it is.)

Don't forget to pray. (Go across the street daily or every other day to meditate and chant.)

Make a list of things you and your family like to do that cost little or no money, and then try to do as many of these as you can each week. (Sit down with the family and make a list.)

The next time you are about to spend a chunk of your time, ask yourself: Does this activity help me stick to my priorities or is is taking time away from them?

Remember, much of what the media sells and portrays is make believe. Don't compare your life to TV, advertisements, or celebrities. Live your life the way that is best for you and your family.

Use the ten-minute rule to help you accomplish more. The next time you find yourself with an extra ten minutes, challenge yourself to use it on a priority or a goal. You may think ten minutes does not sound like much, but when you add up a bunch of ten-minute intervals throughout the week, it can make a big difference.

Stay Organized:

Once a Month:

Go on a date with your partner.

Take time to call or write a friend that you need to catch up with.

Spend the day out with your child.

Organize one room, drawer, or closet.

Every 3-6 Months:

Review your list and add or subtract priorities as they change in your life.

Spend time with an elderly relative.

Do something positive for our environment.

Complete a long-term project that has been lingering on your To Do list for several weeks.

Once a Year:

When you purchase your new planner for the year, schedule your priorities first.

Evaluate your extracurricular activities from the past year and decide if you want to continue those activities in the new year.

Recap of Week 1

As far as sleep goes, I've been doing pretty good at sleeping for a limited amount of time. I cut back on my naps after work, but then around 6 or 7, I would fall asleep on the couch. The lethargy would catch up with me and I'd be out without even realizing it. Usually, I would take a nap and KNOW that was my goal, but with this, I would be willing myself to stay awake but was unable to. I have also had trouble waking up on time, much less waking up early.

I have not been very good about jotting down the list of things to do. In fact, I've been relying on the whole, "I'll do it when I get everything organized. Then it will be easier." Not a very good reason not to write the list.

I tried writing every day last week. I would even have the website up, but I would be blank...or I would be so busy with work. Or I'd be playing a game on the computer and not be able to pull away from it. I'm still a work in progress.

We have severely limited the amount of tv we watch, as well as what the kids watch. From Monday until Friday, Tahiri had not watched any tv at home and Jude had watched 30 minutes. It was amazing to know that they were actually playing with their toys, and coloring, and we were eating dinner together. As for the weekend, all bets were off.

I have not took time out just to be. However, I just set three alarms: 10:30, 1:30, and 6:00 where I can practice sitting and meditating.

Which brings me to meditating. I actually meditated for 15 minutes this week, at one sitting, with my neighbors. It was incredible. It hurt my body and I was slightly uncomfortable, but I think that is to be expected.

I have not exercised as much as I'd like. We have been out to the park 3 times last week, but I don't think that was enough. I need to work on that a lot more in the coming weeks.

I have tried to schedule me time, but it has been difficult this week. I guess that's why it's a work in progress. I have made leaps and bounds in some things, but others still need work.

On eliminating energy drainers: I am proud to say that I have worked through some of the clutter in my house, and it's not even done yet. There is much more to come. On unhealthy relationships, I am very proud to say that I have deleted a number from my phone, in every aspect, and I really wanted to have closure, but I didn't need it. I realized that it was too much for me to do at this point. I have also deleted my account on momslikeme.com, because it was draining my energy. Some of the moms were so mean spirited and felt that they knew everything, and I didn't have the time or energy to fight with them. Plus, with my new Buddhist lifestyle, fighting is definitely not the answer.

As for my weekly goals:

Get out and exercise at least 3 times a week. I did this!!! I would get out of my car and go immediately to the daycare (which is only a block away) to get the kids. It was awesome. Then, we'd walk straight across the street to the playground and play for a good hour or so. We did this 3 days last week. I was extremely proud of myself.

Put away the salt shaker. We actually watched our salt intake this week. We were careful to not give the kids too much of it, and we didn't even go on our weekly McDonald's outing.

Teach your kids what to do in an emergency. We went over the phone numbers and I taught him about 911.

Limit everyone's screen time. We also did this!! Unbelievable how much more time you have when you eliminate this. Aaron even got into it and didn't get on the computer until after the kids were in bed. It was awesome to feel more like a family.

Can't wait for week 2!!

Day 1: Monday, March 21

I started by writing out the rules and goals on a previous post. Then, I tried to practice what I was saying. After work, I went straight to the daycare. I didn't even go inside the house for anything first. I walked the half a block to the daycare, picked up the kids, and took them across the street to the elementary school playground. The kids played until Jude's face turned bright red. Then, I walked them home and said goodbye to Aaron as he left for plumbing school. This happens every Monday. Then, I gently told Jude that there would be no tv or computer. When he asked to play games on my phone, I also said no. He cried and threw a fit and complained that he was hungry. Instead of making a bunch of macaroni and filling him up with it, I made that plus some chicken nuggets and some corn. He actually ate all of his nuggets and mac and cheese, but refused to touch his corn. It made me happy that it was just on his plate. Tahiri ate a lot of her stuff too and then I put her into the bath while Jude played with his toys. After her bath, I got her pajamas on, gave her a vitamin and she sat on her bed and chewed it while I brushed out her hair, whispering Amitabha to her in the dark. She said, "night night momma" and I crept out of the room. Then, I read 4 books to Jude, and since he had been so great, I let him watch one episode of the Backyardigans before bed. He then went to bed without protest. It felt like an incredible win.

12 Weeks to A Happier Family: Week 1

Fitness Goal:

Get out and exercise at least 3 times a week.

Nutrition Goal:

Put away the salt shaker.

Health Goal:

Teach your kids what to do in an emergency.

Happiness Goal:

Limit everyone's screen time.

*Broken Down:

Fitness Goal: Great Outdoor Games

Tea Time: take stuffed animals to an afternoon picnic on the lawn.

Pooch Parade: teach dogs new tricks.

Fairy House: collect building materials and use a little bit of glue to make a home for fairies.

Hopscotch: get out colored chalk and draw a huge hopscotch path.

Lawn Flicks: hang a white sheet on the side of your house and project a movie using a digital projector. then bring on the popcorn, pj's, and pillows for the perfect outdoor movie night.

Swing Along: Build a tire swing.

Tag, You're It!: enjoy a game of family tag or flag football in the yard.

Neighborhood Races: have an old fashioned sack race or three legged race.

I am definitely going to try the tea party, fairy house, and hopscotch. Hopefully I can try the outdoor movie night and build a tire swing, but we don't really live in a neighborhood for the races and games.

10 Fun Ways to Enjoy the Great Outdoors:

*Go bird watching: Get to know the birds in your region. Get a pair of binoculars to look at trees, bushes, telephone polls, and grass for birds. Observe the colors, size, and behavior. Listen to its song and watch how it flies. Make notes and identify the birds in books or online. Attract birds to your yard with a bird feeder, bird bath, or nest box.

* Stroll with your senses: Teach kids to explore the woods with eyes, ears, nose, and fingers on high alert. Bring a magnifying glass or binoculars. Peer under logs and rocks for insects. Sniff the pine trees. Feel the rough bark or sticky sap. Listen to the sounds of birds, water, or small animals.

*Gather Nature's Collectibles: Young kids can gather acorns, pinecones, colorful leaves, and feathers. Store them in a shoe box or plastic display case, or showcase them in craft projects.

*Bring the Outdoors in: Continue the lessons with books and magazines or trips to museums, aquariums, and nature centers.

*Catch a Critter: choose an insect that fascinates your child, such as a ladybug, grasshopper, and fireflies, and help your child capture the bug and place it in a plastic jar along with a small twig and leaves.

*Pick a fruit: Plan a trip to the farmer's market to teach kids that produce doesn't come from the supermarket. Eat fruit off the branch or take it home to make a pie, cake, or jam.

*Gaze at the Stars: Check out astronomy books and then look for Orion or the big dipper.

*Enjoy the Weather: Look at the clouds, and ask your child what shapes and images he sees. Older kids can identify different types of clouds. Watch a thunderstorm from a cozy window. Dress them properly and let them stomp in the rain or snow.

*Get growing: give your child her own patch of garden or pot of soil and have her plant a flower, vegetable, or herb of her choice. Relax your standards.

*Celebrate the Sunrise and Sunset: Take kids out to listen to the birdcalls and the flurry of activities after sunrise. At sunset, enjoy the sky's multicolor show, and look and listen for nocturnal creatures.

20 Activities to do with your Family this Weekend

*Rock on: Secure your picnic tablecloth with colorful weights. Wash and dry rocks and cover each with a coat of Mod Podge. Then decorate the rocks and paint a second coat of glue on.

*Visit a Fire Station

*Collect leaves

*Make Sunflowers: slice styrofoam balls of varying sizes in half. Using tacky glue, cover the rounded side of each half with sunflower seeds. Cut petals from yellow tissue paper and attach them to the flat side with glue. Finish by covering the back side with a circle cut from yellow paper. Attach a ribbon and tie to the branch of a tree.

*Root for the Home Team: go to a minor league baseball game or a town swim meet.

*Have a Four Square tournament.

*Play Capture the Flag.

*Eat Out (Way Out): choose an exotic cuisine that your child hasn't tried. Find the country on a globe or map, and read a short introduction to that nation's culture. Go to the restaurant early, so your kids can take in the atmosphere.

*Volunteer: Check to see if your town has a gardening club or help out at animal-rescue organizations, or take them to visit the elderly at a retirement home.

*Check out the Stars: buy a star chart. Then choose a spot in your yard and venture out after dinner to watch how the night sky changes hour to hour and day to day.

*Build a Garden Labyrinth: outline a path in your backyard using stones, twigs, or unmowed grass. Simple patterns can be found on the internet or in books.

*Plan a Treasure Hunt: Plant little dime-store jewels and treasures in the garden. Then draw a map with directions. You can even hide the map and let the kids find it.

*Do magic tricks.

*Get cooking: make pie crusts, biscuits, cookies, or pizza.

*Kick the can.

*Create a Dress-Up Box: On a rainy day, weed out unwanted dresses, hats shoes, and costume jewelry from your closets. After your kids have picked out the items they want, donate the rest.

*Take Up a New Hobby: learn a new skill with your child, such as horseback riding, pottery, or ballet. Children find it affirming to see you struggling to master news skills.

*Be a Card Shark: turn off the tv and teach your child a classic card game.

*Frame It: gather sticks, pebbles, seashells, beach glass, and other natural objects from the beach or your yard. Cut cardboard into squares or rectangles, and cut out a display area using an X-acto knife. Have your child paint the cardboard and secure his treasures to the frame's face with glue. Pop in a photo and add cardboard back for support.

*Watch Old Movies: Watch classic movies.

Raise a Kid Who Loves the Earth

*Play in the Yard

*Frolic in the Rain

*Take a Hike

*Visit a Nature Center

*Plant Something

*Climb a Tree

*Go Camping

Nutrition Goal: Put Away Salt Shaker

Too much salt is bad because it can attribute to high blood pressure in children. Salty foods are often high in calories too. Eating too much salt and not drinking enough water can create kidney stones.

Look for low sodium options of processed food.

Low sodium breads that we might start purchasing are Pepperidge Farm 100% stoneground whole wheat bread.

Low sodium cereals we might start purchasing are Kelloggs frosted mini wheats, general mills fruity cheerios, general mills Dora cinnamon stars.

Low sodium snacks to consider are goldfish chocolate graham crackers, wheat thins low-sodium crackers, and newman's own low sodium popcorn.

Health Goal:

My son already knows my phone number by heart, but we need to teach him our address, and when to call 911.

Happiness Goal: Limit Everyone's Screen Time

Keep a Diary: Log everyone's tv time, including your own. Reform viewing habits.

Play "Hide and Don't Seek": Put a decorative throw over the tv.

Let them "buy" into the system: give two 15 minute coupons per day that he cashes in for tv time. He earns bonus tickets by doing extra chores. Let them either spend it each day or save up for a movie on the weekend.

Reward Reading: reading/tv exchange. For every reading minute, not including homework, they earn a minute of tv time, up to an hour.

Find something better to do: sign the kids up for after school programs or set up play dates.

Establish a TV-free family night: play a game, have your kids help with dinner.

Go Cold Turkey: Join Nation TV Turnoff week from April 24 to 30.

Be your kid's tv guide: limit tv sessions (no more than 2 hours a day). Treat screen time like a dessert, not a main course.

Pick the Programs: prescreen programs to make sure they are learning something from it.

Keep up the Chatter: Keep the mind active and alert. ask questions about the stuff being shown.

Analyze Ads: do ad busting. Have your child tell you when they think they're watching an ad. then ask them if it's something they can't live without.

Organize Now: Week 1: Organize Your Mind & Life Vision

In the first chapter of this new book that I got, Organize Now by Jennifer Ford Berry, it states that you need to start your organization from the inside. It then asks a series of questions. Since it is difficult for me to be held accountable for things, I figured I would start a blog that would answer the questions so that I would hold myself more accountable. Thus it begins.

Why do you want to get organized?

I want to get organized so that I will feel less chaotic in my life.

What does an organized life look like to you?

I see myself finding everything I need without having to tear my house apart. I see that I don't rebuy things because I forgot I had them. I see simplicity and warmth instead of clutter.

What is your vision for your life?

I picture having enough room to accomplish the things that I dream of, like baking and eating dinner as a family instead of in front of the television. I picture people walking in and feeling welcomed instead of overwhelmed. I picture being a gracious and exquisite hostess.

This week's goals:

Write out your vision of your life. Answer these questions to find inspiration. If you could do anything...

*Where would you live? I would live near the woods, but still in town. I would live close to my children's schools and my work. I would live in a community that was quirky, with many different types of people living in it.

*How would you earn an income? I would own a nonprofit bakery that was geared towards helping the homeless and less fortunate come in, sit, and have a pastry. I would help fund it by writing the books that I have floating around in my head.

*What would your days look like? I would wake up at 5am and go to the gym for one hour. Then, I would sit in my zen garden and chant Amitabha for an hour. At 7, I would get my kids ready for school and walk them there before heading to the bakery. I would work making cupcakes and pies for my customers and sit to talk with everyone and hear their stories. Then, I would go home, pick up my kids, and we would sit outside and play for an hour before going in to do homework and make dinner. We would sit and eat a healthy meal as a family and then have a treat that I created for dessert. We would give the kids their baths and maybe watch a tv show with them while drying their hair and putting on pajamas. Then, we would brush their teeth and put them to bed with a story, and also the Amitabha chant. After the kids were in bed, Aaron and I would watch a movie together while I worked on my writing and then I would chant before going to bed.

*What would you do for fun? Every week, we would have a get together at the bakery for our friends to stop by and visit. We would also go to the movies once a month with the kids and out for ice cream or a treat. We would make our backyard a wonderland with all sorts of outdoor things to do.

*What would you do more of? I would relax more. I would sit outside and play more. I would laugh more. I would have more visitors over on a regular basis.

*What would you do less of? I would watch less tv and play on the computer less. I would also sleep less (because right now, I'm sleeping about 10-12 hours a day).

Think about what you want to accomplish in the next 56 weeks.

*When you look back on this time in your life, what will you remember? I will remember being tired all of the time. I will remember my guilt. I will remember diagnosing my illness. I will hopefully remember the little things my son and daughter do.

*What will you be proud of? I will be proud that I started this project. I will be proud that I devoted myself to Buddhism and Amitabha.

Get a minimum of 7 hours of sleep per night.

I definitely do this one already. My goal should be more, "Try to limit yourself to 8 hours of sleep per day."

Start your day by jotting down a short To Do list of everything you want or need to do that day.

I used to do this every day but I stopped with the excuse that I needed to get organized first and get my stuff together BEFORE doing the list, when really, I just need to make the list and stick with it until it's done.

Start a journal.

I intend to use this blog as a journal to jot down my feelings. I don't know if I will remember to do it, but hopefully I will when I get into the office.

Limit the amount of television you watch, especially programs with negative images and messages.

This one will be hard to do because I enjoy things with a little drama. I know that I will be able to limit it though, because I do have times when I lose interest in something that I've been really into for weeks. One day, I just won't have the desire to watch it and won't do so for a few weeks.

Schedule a two-minute break two to three times to spend time alone and just be.

This one should be easy in the aspect that I really want to do it. I will just now have to set alarms to go off so that I can not let the day pass by without doing it.

Practice meditating.

This is so helpful to me because I am now becoming Buddhist and want to practice the Amitabha meditations.

Schedule times to exercise. Go to the gym, take a bike ride, walk the dog, hike in the woods, run around the yard with the kids.

I really need to focus on this. I'm hoping that I can start getting up early enough to go to the gym. I also want to start walking my dogs to get exercise. And of course I want to get outdoors with my kids.

Schedule more "me time." Turn all the phones off and plan something you love to do just for you.

I really want to start reading the dozens of books that I have bought that I have been unable to read thus far because of my busy schedule. Even 30 minutes to an hour a day would be wonderful.

Eliminate energy drainers in your life: clutter, unhealthy relationships, unfinished projects, items on your to do list that don't need to be done until other tasks are complete.

I especially need to do these things. I have started working the clutter out of my rooms. I need to work on saying no to relationships that I know drain me and make me feel guilty. I have decided to just delete numbers and friends from social sites, and stop putting myself in situations where arguments are inevitable. I need to focus on the projects that I truly want to finish and not buy any more objects until the projects are done. My to do list always needs to be streamlined.

Take control of your time. Set goals and then break them into achievable daily to do's. When goals are clear, you can control your time and make space for priorities.

I am going to start setting alarms on my phone so that I will not let time pass me by and start limiting the things that I do that are not productive.

Simplify your life and your thinking by cutting back on the amount of negative information and images you let penetrate your mind. Eliminate pessimistic news, advertising, newspapers, depressing books, and violent movies.

I somewhat disagree with this tip. Pessimistic news, although sad, is something that you need to objectify yourself to. It's necessary to know what's going on in the world. I also enjoy depressing books and violent movies, because they make me realize my life is better instead of focusing on more negativity.

When an intimate moment presents itself, grab it!

I need to stop trying to wait for Aaron to initiate affection and try to do things myself.

Check in with yourself before making decisions. Take a deep breath, relax, and listen to your inner voice. Then, make the decision best for you. Don't feel pressure to please other people.

This is very important for me. This step is essential to my happiness. I know when things are wrong for me, and rarely do they end up as happy endings when I go against what my inner voice says. This is an excellent tip that I need to follow.

Pay attention to your dreams. Sometimes our dreams provide us with helpful subconscious insight.

Yes, sometimes. Other times, I listen to them and they lead me to a negative relationship that I then have trouble getting out of. So I need to be selective and listen to that inner voice.

Stay Organized:

Once a month:

*Schedule a day just for you. Do something that makes you happy.

Two words: flea market.

*Spend a few minutes writing in your journal.

Or blogging. :)

Every 3-6 months:

*Spend an hour or two alone to take stock of your emotional state.

I will start by doing that now and answering the questions about my current state. No time like the present:

How do you feel most of the time?

I am usually pretty sad and overwhelmed.

How are your relationships?

With Aaron-a little strained. I'm trying to work things out and I know that I want to be with him forever, but I have to change some things about myself, which is stressful.

With my mom-Pretty good. She doesn't really know anything about me right now.

With my sister-same as my mom really. She doesn't know much about the person I am now.

With my stepdad-good. I don't keep promises like I should.

With my kids-good, but I need to treat them better and make them my number 1 priority (and show that).

With my friends-strained. Everyone lives in such a different world from me, and it's my fault for expecting them to come to mine.

If you're unhappy, honestly evaluate why, then have the courage to change the situation.

I honestly am unhappy due to my illness. It all stems from there. I'm tired all of the time. So lethargic that my body feels like bags of sand tied together. I don't feel human and it upsets me that people don't seem to understand that I have no control of my lethargy. So I think that once I get that handled, everything else will fall into place.

Once a year:

On your birthday, make an effort to reflect on the past year. What did you learn? How have you changed? What do you want to accomplish in the year to come? After you've reflected, honor this day you were born.

Oh Baby, You Know I Hate To Sleep Alone

There is a conspiracy transpiring against me. It is a well known fact to those around me that I do not like to be alone. This was much more so the case before I had children; now I generally enjoy a quiet moment to myself. However, I still hate to sleep alone at night. I don't know what it is, but if I am in that bed at night by myself, I find it very difficult to fall asleep. Aaron and I can barely get a sentence out during the evening with the kids running around and interrupting constantly. Then, when they are put to bed, Aaron gets on World of Warcraft and I can't seem to really keep his attention. It is only in the bed, with the lights dim or off that we are able to hold a conversation. We giggle about the day, talk in funny voices, and name off what our names would be if we were one of the seven dwarfs. When I'm alone, I am drowned by the darkness and silence. I know that I grow weary and feel drowsy before most people, which is why sometimes I take my medication a little later to help me stay up a little later. This also proves to be a problem because low and behold, when I do, Aaron is passed out by 11 o'clock and I'm left to stay up until 2 or later by myself. It has happened so many times that I don't even try it anymore.

Last night was irritating to say the least. Aaron went to class both last night and Monday night. That means he doesn't get home until after 9 o'clock. I am especially tired because I've been wrangling two kids by myself all evening and I half expect him to also be tired after sitting in a classroom for a few hours. But nope. At 11, I turn to Aaron after finishing another episode of Desperate Housewives on Netflix (he secretly loves it) and tell him that I'm ready for bed. I ask if he's coming with me and he states a plain "no" without taking his eyes from his computer. "Why not?" I moan like a little girl with a pouty lip. "I'm not tired." He still does not avert his eyes and I start to dislike the obsessive compulsive way that he jutts out his chin and twists the hair of his beard while he's occupied with something. I do not say another word, but instead get up, tidy the living room, which at the moment is the only actual clean and organized room of the house, because of me, and then pile dishes in the sink and start to walk down the hall, muttering "Good night" under my breath. It is very obvious that I do not like the answer he has given me, and I want him to come tuck me in like he does every other night, but he is too occupied to even do that. I hear the old chair he loves squeak and groan as he gets up and heads down the hallway, anticipating the door opening. But instead, I hear the door of the bathroom close and I become more irritated.

I know that Aaron doesn't like Jude sleeping in the bed with us, so I create a plan to snag Jude out of his bed and allow him to fall asleep next to me, just so that when Aaron finally decides to claim his side of the bed, he will see Jude and me cuddling. If he says anything about it, I will smoothly retort that if he had been in the bed to tuck me in, it wouldn't have happened.

I sneak into the kids' room and the light from my bedroom shines directly on Tahiri's toddler bed, which is empty. I glance over to the corner where Jude's bed is and let my eyes adjust to the darkness, I saw Jude, laying on his back with Tahiri laying halfway on him, her leg slung over his stomach. I tapped on Jude's shoulder and tried to wake him to see if he wanted to get out from under his sister, but he didn't budge. They both looked so peaceful and serene, which made me stop and realize what I was doing. I was being vindictive just for the "winning" aspect of it. In that moment, I stood and stared down at my children, looking angelic when they usually look downright mischievous. The most affection I usually see is the occasional hug when they bump into each other in the hallway, but then I thought to myself that one of the first thing Tahiri says when walking in the room is "Where's Jude?" and it's "Where's Tahiri" for Jude.

I tucked myself in last night, thinking of how great I truly have it. I have a wonderful man who is sometimes too busy to notice me, but is willing to get up to make me strawberry almond milk and grab my peanuts from the kitchen, along with a bowl for the shells. He makes me laugh with his impressions and dirty talk, and he comforts me when I feel fat, and like a failure. My kids are two beautiful, intelligent, curious little people that dish out high fives and kisses on a regular basis, and bring home smiles and crafts they have constructed. They run toward me screaming "Mama" when they see me and who could ask for anything better? I know sometimes I'm needy and want extra attention, and sometimes it takes the perfect picture of my wild children cuddling to make me realize how good I have it.