Well, My Goodness

oh hai again interwebz. It has been awhile...It's raining outside, and I have to say that I've been thinking about you a lot lately, collecting thoughts and being spellbound by my inability to actually put my thoughts onto paper, or my fingers against keys with capital letters on them. But I know it is time to start again.
Many things have been going on lately. It's not unlike what you're really thinking when someone asks you "What's new?" and you say, "Same ole, same ole." You and I both know that's not true. There are usually A LOT of things that are new, but you just don't feel that it is interesting enough to tell them about. Besides, they are probably just asking out of courtesy and don't actually want much of an answer. Next time someone asks, pause for a moment and think of the most personal tidbit you can. Then start talking about it and watch the reaction. Priceless entertainment right there.
A lot of the things that are new in my life are worrisome. I've been having dreams about many things, things that I don't think bother me in the daytime, but when it's time to sleep, it haunts me. My first daughter will be 8 this September. She was adopted the day after she was born, taken home by a beautiful, picture perfect family, leaving me with a deflated balloon of a stomach and promises that I would get to see her all of the time. I don't like to think that it was a lie all along, but it seems to be that way. People get very illogical when they are protective. I rarely see my daughter, only allowed to view her life through snapshots of smiles and multicolored tutus. But see, in the sunlight, this does not bother me. I'm happy for her, happy to see her grow and change so many people's lives. But at night, I dream of meeting her now. I dreamed that I was visiting as a family friend and she came and sat on my lap, laying her back against my chest and wrapping my arms around her waist. I could actually smell the shampoo in her hair and my heart was pounding. I woke up feeling very empty, and very alone. My chest aches when I think about it. I scent of apple shampoo still lingers in the air sometimes, and I wonder if at those moments, she is wondering about her mother.