Damaged Goods

"We choose our truths the way we choose our gods, single-sightedly, single-mindedly, no other way to feel or see or think. We lock ourselves into our ways, and click all the truths to one.
We put our truths together in pieces, but you use nails and I use glue. You mend with staples. I mend with screws. You stitch what I would bandage. Your truth may not look like mine, but that is not what matters. What matters is this: You can look at a scar and see hurt, or you can look at a scar and see healing. Try to understand."

I have become charted territory. I think I was born damaged. I've heard "No" so much that trying to say it to other people became painful. And that, unfortunately, has made me charted territory. I thought that giving the person I loved would make them love and want me forever. But not even a year has passed and I am normal, ordinary...me. There is no more, "I can't keep my hands off you," in which those actual words were never spoken, but the actions screamed them just the same. Now the actions recall that of a couple married for years without the benefit and comfort of time, and definitely with no nuptials in sight or even mind.

The feeling would be passible if it were mutual, but to me, there are still discoveries. There are still things about him that take my breath away. There are things that take me by surprise: a nice gesture or interesting conversation and I'm back in love again.

I walked in to the house through the open door, groceries in hand: sherbet, noodles, and supplies to make a sad baby happy, and was met by music flowing into the kitchen. I emptied the bags quietly, and walked past him, playing his guitar (something I don't see very often), not saying a word because I didn't want him to stop. Jude was waiting for me, peeking around the corner, sniffling. He walked quietly into the living room with me, entranced by the melody that was playing. I thought of this side of him that I hadn't seen before, and knew that I would love him for the rest of my life. I was doomed that day, to wait for him forever.

As for me, I know I'll never be the girl he fell in love with months ago, but I sigh at the fact that I once was in the first place.